Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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