Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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