Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Pants are for mortals
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
