Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
