Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
