Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
