Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
