So drunk its hurt
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
