i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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