a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
