I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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