while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
