It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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