The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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