Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
