They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
