also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
