I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
