im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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