you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
