Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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