i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
