You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I intend to get homeless drunk
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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