dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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