The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
