we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
