Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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