So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
