Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I know her cup size but not her name....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
