so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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