Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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