remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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