i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
