Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
