We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
