pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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