Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
