Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
