You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
