i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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