Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
