I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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