you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
