Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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