Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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