Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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