Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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