my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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