how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
