I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize