Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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