my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
