My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
