I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
