i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
